Thursday, December 11, 2014


I feel compelled to follow up on my last post because the more I think about it, the more it compels me to write about this sick, deranged, and ignorant person.  Of course right after I copied and pasted the second of two hateful comments I received and called out this person, the comments stopped.  Like I said, I know EXACTLY who the person is who left that comment and will spare putting his name on the Internet for all to see including his employer because I actually feel sorry for this guy.  Jesus said you're supposed to turn the other cheek and that's what I'm doing here despite this guy telling me he can't wait until I die!  I know that his wife died from Hodgkins and that might be another reason I'm giving him a pass here as he must be a wreck still over it.

Maybe if some of what he said had any merit I might be more inclined to bury that comment and forget about it but I feel like I need to write this post for nothing else than if I dont, he or his hate wins.  I write this blog as an outlet for not only myself (my fears, aspirations, experiences, etc) but for others who are going through what I'm going through.  I write this to show that you can live with a "death sentence" with some luck, determination and most importantly, love. 

I'm really not supposed to be here.  When I relapsed, being diagnosed with "primary refractory" disease, the odds of me living more than 5 years was less than 20%.  This was before I did a tandem stem cell transplant that did nothing but introduce enough chemotherapy and radiation to my body to kill an elephant.  Once I relapsed from that less than 3 months later, I thought I was a goner for sure.  At the time, there really wasn't anything promising in the pipeline for refractory Hodgkins in terms of treatment and I was so beat up from almost 2 years straight of Tx that I went to a pretty dark place, a place that I wouldn't wish my worst enemy (like the hater that left me a death wish) to go. 

Somehow, through the Grace of God I managed to make it to this point.  It certainly hasn't been easy...  I've dealt with losing my ability to walk for a while, not being able to use my hands, extraordinary pain both chronic and breakthrough (still deal with chronic back pain but nothing like before) and chronic fatigue that I still deal with today.  Because of these issues and the fact that I never know when the Hodgkins is going to get agressive (like it was getting on the tail end of my last clinical trial of Everolimus) and like it was once I was forced to stop that Tx, I've never been able to re-enter the workforce (unless you count driving for Uber haha).  Not to mention, I have absolutely zero faith in the insurance industry to provide me with coverage even though the new law is supposed to protect people like me.  I know Medicare isn't the greatest but at least I know I have insurance.  The SSD and LTD (from my precious employer) basically amounts to living at the poverty level so I have no idea what that jack ass is talking about when he says that I'm "begging" and living on handouts or whatever he said...

Even with that said, who is this guy to give me crap for living my life?!  What business of it is his anyway?  I live a very modest life and do the absolute best with what I have.  I still have messages from this jerk chiding me for taking selfies at "expensive sporting events" or trips!  Am I supposed to go hide under a rock when the odds say I'm not supposed to be alive?!  Am I not allowed to suck every bit of nectar out of life after people like his wife and so many of my friends have died from this disease?  It doesn't make any sense and to him or anyone else who questions my lifestyle all I have to say is try walking in my shoes for a day, see how you like it.  Not fun waking up every morning knowing i have cancer living inside of me and barely being able to get out of bed more often than not from chronic neuropathy and back pain. 

It makes me sick to know there's people out there like this guy.  Hell, I know there's a lot of people out there that think like this guy and some of them are my own flesh and blood like my father.  Funny, the first message this lunatic left me, he enclosed the hateful message by signing "your dad".  Now that I know it wasn't my father it just shows how sick this supposed human being is.  I think the whole thing with my dad is just narcissism or ignorance but this guy actually thinks I should have died instead of his wife.  This is after I tried to help him and her during a tragic time of my life.  I guess you could say I'm still a little pissed, who wouldn't be?!

So, to anyone who is "jealous" or doesn't approve of the way I live, all I can say is let's trade and see how you would like living with what I live with.  To those of you that have supported me over the years and continue to understand and support me, thank you from the bottom of my heart.

I will never let hate deter me from enjoying each day that I'm blessed with relative good health, ever...

Happy Holidays to anybody that still reads this and falls into the supporter category!




Anonymous said...

I usually just read your blog in Feedly and don't comment but I felt compelled to let you know that I am here and I am a supporter.

I will never understand comments like the one that was left for you. But I too experienced it (from my very own sister) during treatment for my Hodgkins. I can't imagine ever feeling so much hate in my heart that I would pick on someone going through treatment but there are some real a-holes out there.

I wish you all the best!!!


Anonymous said...


Just read that joker's insane comment. Obviously, don't pay that sicko any mind. Don't ever stop posting or living your life anyway you can! He is obviously jealous and nuts! Hang in there.

Anonymous said...

Chris I've been through just a small version of what you have been through having had aggressive non hodgkins that did not respond to first line treatment. I am seven years out after a stem cell transplant that worked but you never know. Saying this, I know I have not been through a tenth of what you have been through. Know there are people out there who understand and support you. Only someone who doesn't understand or who is speaking from a place of their own pain and disfunction could say something like that.

Taraneh Christine said...

Happy Holidays Chris, wishing you and your family all the best.
I always keep you in my prayers.