tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19296838518652992382024-03-14T02:16:02.835-07:00Chris Alt DeleteI'm currently living with Hodgkins Lymphoma. One of my treatments included a tandem auto stem cell transplant. I described the process of how this works to my buddy Sean and he said "sounds like they're doing a Control Alt Delete on you". I thought it was as good a description as any. That seems like a long time ago but the name has stuck. I've basically had to start my life over, so please feel free to join me!Chrishttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00680217140379356951noreply@blogger.comBlogger388125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1929683851865299238.post-14345020326742535312020-03-17T21:31:00.001-07:002020-03-17T21:31:41.245-07:00Time for me to write again...I was just thinking about this blog, had forgotten about it really. Was a little shocked at some of the things I wrote and brought a few back to edit stage to re evaluate. <br />
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I think it's time for me to write again, I think I need to write a book or memoir. I'm noticing I'm forgetting things. Some I don't mind forgetting but many things I think can help me and others so let's see what happens, I've grown quite a bit since the days I was religious with this and hadn't a care in the world. I first have to go through and read it all, check. I also need to get back to Seattle and lesser Social, where it all started. <br />
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I hope some of you are still lurking, if not, it's ok obviously ha. I'm good at starting over so here goes...<br />
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Until the next time,<br />
<br />
Chris, yeah, I'm still alive !!Chrishttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00680217140379356951noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1929683851865299238.post-15342825258044063962016-10-04T12:11:00.001-07:002016-10-04T12:11:37.534-07:00Hello!<p dir="ltr">I just wanted to let anyone know who's still around out there that followed me during my roughest times that I'm still alive! In fact, I've somehow managed to get into remission from a new drug called Nivolumab. I apologize for not writing but I've forgotten about cancer for a while (great thing). I plan to wrote a good long post when I get a minute to explain what's been going on. To anyone who's found this and getting ready for a stem cell transplant or even just starting normal therapy for Hodgkins or any cancer, I think you'll find this story to be uplifting I hope, no always happy but it's a marathon not a sprint so hang in there!</p>
<p dir="ltr">Chriz</p>
Chrishttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00680217140379356951noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1929683851865299238.post-34795693623809598842015-02-20T00:27:00.001-08:002015-02-20T00:27:30.570-08:00Where did the last month go?!<p dir=ltr>Well, guess its time for an update, cant sleep which isnt anything out of the ordinary as I havent really been able to sleep for over a month now...</p>
<p dir=ltr>Mid January I went in for my nivolumab infusion thinking everything was kosher and after a long wait in the room, dr came in and told me I wasnt getting drug that day, in fact, I'm going to need an infusion of prednisone stat as my liver enzymes were out of control, my AST was almost 20 x higher than normal.  My own body was attacking my liver.  It happens with this drug sometimes, it mimicks gvhd for some reason even though I've never received someone elses stem cells.  </p>
<p dir=ltr>So, I was on 200 mg of prednisone every day, what a trip...  The time I was on that dose is a total blur, literally.  The side effects were horrific.  Imagine wanting to jump out of your skin at all times of the day, heart racing constantly,  not knowing weather I'm coming or going, not able to think straight and having an appetite of two or three of me!  I would wake up from a hazy half sleep needing to eat to re-enter that same weird almost sleeplike state at night.  </p>
<p dir=ltr>Then the cramps started....</p>
<p dir=ltr>This was the worst part by far.  Its still happeing now but nowhere near as bad as it was.  For a little while there, the cramping or uncontrollable contorting of my hands would last for hours on end with nothing I could do about it but bear the pain and try to do whatever I could to counter whatever contortion was happening at the moment.  For instance, if my hand was locking up, I tried to pull my fingers back into place.  It was futile trying to fight it but there was nothing else I could do.  I discovered icy hot helped a little to loosen the muscles but it became too much after the third night of zero sleep and I decided to start reducing the prednisone dose earlier than scheduled, at that point I didnt care what happened to my liver, I couldnt live like that...</p>
<p dir=ltr>Good news is I just went in last Monday and thank God, my levels are starting to resolve and I'm down to 30mg of prednisone now which is so so much more manageable.  I still have the racing heart and an episode tonight of cramping in my abdomen and back strangely but I think it may have been a hydration issue instead of prednisone side effect.  Who knows actually, I have come to expect the unexpected regsrding side effects with this crap.  Cant wait till I can wean off completely.  </p>
<p dir=ltr>So I'm taking a break obviously from treatment while my liver recovers and the hope is to resume asap with reduced dose and hope my body adjusts as the drug works for me at the moment and with generally mild side effects if you remove the liver damage situation haha.</p>
<p dir=ltr>Life otherwise has been good.  My family is more stable, Nicole is slowly doing better, my Mom is doing much better, so proud of both of them for what they've been through, all of us actually, crazy what we've all been through.  Makes the wins in life so much sweeter when you've struggled so hard to get to ground zero...</p>
<p dir=ltr>That's all I've got for now.  Thankful for everything I have - most importantly my health - which I treasure every day that I feel ok.  I am truly blessed.</p>
<p dir=ltr>Thanks,</p>
<p dir=ltr><u>Chris</u></p>
Chrishttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00680217140379356951noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1929683851865299238.post-1702947139609801382015-02-11T10:41:00.001-08:002015-02-11T10:41:46.783-08:00Prednisone<p dir="ltr">Has taken over my life for more than a month. Ready to be done with this shit and onto the next chapter of my life. Will go into more detail and recall what I can remember when I'm ready. Thanks for checking in and all of your support! </p>
<p dir="ltr"><u>Chris</u></p>
Chrishttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00680217140379356951noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1929683851865299238.post-10923223592360112392014-12-23T11:48:00.000-08:002014-12-23T11:48:34.633-08:00Dealing with chronic fatigueI may or may not have written about this before but since it's been a pretty major struggle lately, I thought I'd release my frustration out into the blogosphere... I just don't have any energy, period. I wake up, drink a strong cup of coffee and the first thing I want to do is go back to bed, no bueno. It wasn't like this when I first started the Nivolumab but think the cumulative effect of now 5 treatments has built up in my body and fatigue is the number one reported side effect. I guess it could be worse, I could be puking every day, losing my hair or other not so fun side effects that I've dealt with so many times over the last 7 years...<br />
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I have some ideas in how to mitigate the problem but they'll take time. One is more exercise but with such little energy (I mean it's really difficult to get out of bed) how does one motivate to go to the gym? I've been able to overcome things like this before so I will get through this. I'm sure if you don't suffer from chronic fatigue, it's probably difficult to understand what it's like and the only thing I can compare it to is the low energy you feel from having the flu or pneumonia. I don't have the fever but everything else including body aches which is the second most common side effect, lucky me!<br />
<br />
On a positive note, I don't have any Hodgkins symptoms whatsoever. The nodes that were growing under my arm have shrunk to normal size as far as the doc can tell and my blood counts are at the bottom end of normal (including platelets thank God!). <br />
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I know I probably won't ever feel "normal" again for the rest of my life, I've resigned myself to that. I'm proud how I've been able to overcome so many deficits and still manage to get out once in a while to enjoy my life. I recently went to a 25 year reunion at the first high school I went to before we moved as a kid and I saw people I hadn't seen in over 25 years! Just recently went to a Red Wings game and have been trying to stay busy when I do have some energy still working on my places and driving for Uber.com one or two days a week. It's been interesting bussing people around to go spend time at the bars when I used to be that person. Makes me realize that I'm getting older as when I drop them off, I have absolutely zero desire to run in those circles anymore. I had a couple of riders invite me to join them and their friends and I just wasn't feeling it, I'm so glad that stage of my life is over...<br />
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Well, I just wanted to document the fatigue thing and hope the next time I write, I'll have a better grip on that and hopefully be making some strides to find some energy. It's Christmas week and looking forward to spending time with my family and a special someone in my life. She's been a blessing and I feel lucky to have someone in my life who understands what I deal with and loves me for who I am. I couldn't have asked for a better gift this Christmas!<br />
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If you celebrate Christmas, have a merry one! If not, happy holidays!!<br />
<br />
ChrisChrishttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00680217140379356951noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1929683851865299238.post-61053005265474877432014-12-08T23:49:00.001-08:002014-12-08T23:49:47.757-08:00Interesting...<p dir="ltr">Not sure how to start this one...  Maybe I'll just copy and paste this latest comment by an obvious "fan" lol</p>
<p dir="ltr"><i>Hah ha :-) you parasitic piece of shit! Have you done anything productive with your life ever? Have you ever had a real job and worked to support yourself? Always begging or cheating, you hypocrite piece of shit... very few creatures on this earth deserves cancer and you sure are one of them. Soon this world will rid off you and your alikes... keep thinking positive... so are the real hard working, honest, tax paying citizens of this great country :-) :-) how does it feel to know that there are people out there looking forward to hear the only good news that can come out of your miserable life? Does that ever make your selfish miserable existence ask yourself why? </i></p>
<p dir="ltr">That is the entire comment verbatim.  Where that crap and hate are coming from I have no idea.  I wish this person  would have some courage and identify themselves as this is the second such message I've gotten in the last two days.  While it doesn't bother me personally because I know none of it is true, it bothers me that there are psychopaths out there that think like this.  I work all my life making an honest living, save every penny then through no fault of my own, get not only my livelihood taken from me but my peace of mind for the rest of my life.  I write this blog to vent what are very real frustrations and very real pain that this asshole obviously has never had to feel.  Reading this comment really makes me appreciate all of the overwhelmingly positive responses I've received since starting this blog.  I know I've put myself out there and I've had some weird comments before but nothing hateful like this one.  Now that I write this, I think I've figured out who the anonymous person is...  Please know, that I know and you should be very careful when you wish death upon a person or people, just saying...  One thing about surviving refractory cancer for 7 years now, stupid hateful people don't scare me.  To this person, please know I will be in touch with law enforcement as I know exactly who you are.  Sad thing is I tried to help this person when I was going through the most tragic time of my life, unbelievable.  I don't know if every person in the "tea party" thinks like this guy but that is exactly where this whole thing is coming from.  A conversation on Facebook about Obamacare!  I remember it all and when I put together all of the pieces, I know who you are sir.  I tried to help his wife who also had refractory Hodgkins right after my sister had her stroke,  my mom's cancer came back and Rich died (amongst other things w me personally).  I stopped everything to try and help this person and accepted a friend request on Facebook.  I think something happened with his wife and he's taking out his anger on me or something, idk...  </p>
<p dir="ltr">So, without calling out your name sir, I think you should take your hate somewhere else. I don't have any room for it in my life.  You really need some help and I hope you get it.  </p>
<p dir="ltr">That was definitely and interesting post! </p>
<p dir="ltr">All in the life of a cancer survivor <u>lol</u>!</p>
Chrishttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00680217140379356951noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1929683851865299238.post-64336298706508749962014-12-07T21:21:00.001-08:002014-12-07T21:22:13.063-08:00Positive vibes<p dir="ltr">Getting ready to crash, feeling blessed and wanted to share.  I'm so grateful the Nivolumab seems to be working.  I'm so encouraged by what's happening in terms of research of immuno-therapy treatments.  Happy and proud to be a part of this and inspired by positive and negative comments I get so thanks to those who take the time to comment, makes me stronger!</p>
<p dir="ltr"><u>Chris</u><br>
</p>
Chrishttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00680217140379356951noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1929683851865299238.post-85784498293365062352014-11-15T08:50:00.001-08:002014-11-15T08:50:11.192-08:00Cha Cha Cha changes...<p dir="ltr">Well, after a brief bout of self doubt, I think I'm ready to bust out of my shell.  Amazingly, it took an unbelievably horrible week down in Florida to make me realize that I control my own destiny.  I am in charge of how I feel, not the cancer anymore, not the people I spend time with or aspire to spend time with.  I have everything I need and it took a moment of self doubt and a big slap in the face to make me realize that.  I realize there are going to always be good and bad days.  The key is to maximize the good and minimize the bad.  One thing I know for sure, as long as I'm feeling relatively well, that's all that matters.  Everything else is gravy.</p>
<p dir="ltr">What I've realized after I wrote the post where I mentioned how I wasn't sure how to handle this newfound feeling ok is I don't have to handle anything, it's already been handled!  Again, nothing else matters, no amount of money, material possessions, good luck (as if I can control my luck!) can trump feeling relatively well.  I realize I'll always have issues with my back, feet and energy but I'm so used to it I'm no longer fazed by it.  The only thing that's more important than what I just mentioned are the people who have stood by me and continue to support me.  The support feels awesome and makes me feel not so alone having this messed up disease in my body.  The support validates how hard I've fought over the last seven years.  The support mitigates the people who've shit on me over the last seven years because they didn't care to empathize with what I deal with.  I've realized this isn't my problem but their problem.  I don't wish anything bad to any of these people, I just don't need them in my life...</p>
<p dir="ltr">It feels so good to finally be in control again.  I guess I had forgotten what that feels like after my relapse and rough last few months on my prior treatment.  So glad that's in the rear view mirror.  I'm back to my edict of living in the moment and enjoying that moment to the fullest.  It's time for me to join a gym again, get my body strong again.  I haven't been able to even think about working out for so long because of my back and total body soreness.  Not to mention, my complete lack of energy.  I want to plan a trip somewhere interesting, somewhere beautiful, I can't wait!</p>
<p dir="ltr">This life of mine is so crazy.  Just this last week alone would blow your mind if I wrote about it.  I don't feel the need to vent so I'll just squash it and know for sure that this next week is going to be great, even as I fly north through the freezing air to the soon to be frozen tundra of Michigan.  I have to make the best of having to be there every other week for my infusions, I have no other choice.  So, working out and keeping my blood flowing is my new priority (again now that I'm able) to help mitigate the lack of sun and warmth that my brain and body craves.  I'll still be going down to Florida but I have to pick my spots especially with spirit airlines the only affordable carrier (they are the absolute worst company in the world!).  </p>
<p dir="ltr">Well, I just landed and ready for a nap after no sleep last night and an interesting experience this morning with said mentioned airline (they gave away my seat this morning!).</p>
<p dir="ltr">I'm so excited to get on with my life finally.</p>
<p dir="ltr">Let's hope this lasts for a while!</p>
<p dir="ltr">Chris :)</p>
Chrishttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00680217140379356951noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1929683851865299238.post-43710163236083768952014-11-10T11:01:00.001-08:002014-11-10T11:07:33.841-08:00How to Live...I haven't done any research and probably need to speak to a therapist but as weird as it sounds, I'm having difficulty switching gears from thinking "this could be it" to thinking this drug is working and now trying to figure out <i>how to live..</i><br />
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It takes so much out of you mentally going through this rollercoaster process of one week feeling like I'm dying (I had lymph nodes popping up all over the place, my back felt like is was going to snap, I could feel my lung scraping against a tumor, etc). Dealing with all of that is quite the test mentally, it is the ultimate test actually. You try your best to act "normal" on the exterior all the while inside I'm quietly freaking out. You can't always share it because after a while, people will tune you out or I'm afraid of bringing people down. It's a feeling not too many people can relate to and have to say, it's pretty lonely. Thank God I don't feel that way anymore...<br />
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What that feeling has been replaced with is a feeling of apprehension, a different kind of anxiety I guess than feeling like you're dying. It's almost feeling like you're in limbo, not knowing what to expect. I've gotten good at just taking each day as it comes and trying to enjoy the moment but now it's like, "what do I do now?" How long can I expect to feel relatively well? Do I dare make long term plans? What do I focus on? I guess you could say I'm a little lost at the moment...<br />
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I had been focusing on my sister, trying to get her a vehicle to get her out of the nursing home once in a while, going down to <br />
Florida to pick up a little dog for my mom, getting started with Uber,finally gaining a part time job that suits my rollercoaster energy levels. These were all tangible goals that I know would help give me more of a sense of worth. Mission accomplished there... Now however, I'm not quite sure what to focus on and how to move forward. I'm so grateful that the Nivolumab seems to be working. I don't know, maybe I'm just having a bad day. I seem to do better lately when I'm around people. When I'm alone, I have zero ambition to do anything. I have to pick really small things and work my way up to bigger tasks. This actually has been going on for a while. Not sure if I have ADHD or ADD but I think it's time for me to go find out and do something about it. I feel so much pressure to enjoy this new gift of feeling relatively well, maybe I'm putting too much pressure on myself, can't seem to figure it out.<br />
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If there are any survivors reading this, I would love some feedback or input on how you handle "success" with a clinical trial if you have refractory cancer. I know I'm not alone feeling like this. I hope I was able to explain it well enough. I have so many things going through my head, I think I just need to simplify my life and maybe go back to basics, whatever basics are anymore, I don't know! <br />
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Writing this, I've convinced myself that I definitely need to speak to someone. My old therapist retired from Karmanos and it's been a while. I heard there was someone good at the Gilda's club over here in Royal Oak MI so that's going to be my first call. <br />
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Usually when I write one of these posts, I feel better. I wish I could say the same with this one but I'm afraid I'm going to need some help. Just to document this for reading later, I think that maybe the time of year may have something to do with the way I'm feeling. It's always strange when it starts to get dark sooner, the weather starts getting cold. Maybe there's some underlying anxiety back from when I was a kid knowing the sun and warm weather is going away for a while. I should continue my studies in Psychology, I find it really interesting why we feel the way we do about, anything! I've gone through so much trauma over the last 7 years I think it'd be strange if I didn't have issues quite frankly. I think you'd have to be a robot to not have difficulties coping after going through what I and my fellow refractory cancer survivors go through.<br />
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This reminds me of my Mom. She wasn't feeling all that great lately, complaining of body aches and bone aches. We find out tomorrow what the CT scan results are. Praying that she's ok and the aches are just from moving.<br />
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Hoping to follow this post up with some positive developments in my overall well being, not just my physical health. It's great to feel well but to truly enjoy it, I've got to figure out how to "embrace" it. I know that doesn't make sense on paper but I will hopefully be able to better explain when I talk to someone.<br />
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Until then, remembering to breathe, live in the moment and be truly thankful for everything I have!<br />
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Cheers,<br />
<br />
ChrisChrishttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00680217140379356951noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1929683851865299238.post-38582821616154712112014-11-06T10:22:00.001-08:002014-11-06T10:22:29.770-08:00Round 3 Nivolumab, so far so good!<p dir="ltr">Well, I had my third infusion on Monday and I continue to feel relatively well happy to say!  This is by far the easiest drug I've been on since I started this crazy journey.  Looking back at the other trials I was on and the side effects I dealt with, makes me really appreciate this "break".  I have 5 times the amount of energy than I used to have and my back is only nagging now instead of debilitating.  Feel so blessed!  Whoever invented this drug, I wish I could shake his or her (or both) hands or better yet, give them a big bear hug!  </p>
<p dir="ltr">I don't want to get overly excited though as I know how fast things can change...  My plan is just to continue to enjoy life surrounded by people who care and understand.   I also have to prepare to take on a Michigan winter a little more this year as I have to be here every other week for infusions which typically take about 5 hours from start to finish. A small price to pay for life and I'll gladly do it if I can continue to feel like this. I've even started a part time job driving for Uber.com to help pay for my inevitable higher airfare expense down to Florida which isn't a big deal as its kinda fun! I've already met some interesting people and it's pretty easy money... I keep getting texts from them to go to east Lansing this weekend for the big game (MSU vs OSU). Haven't decided if I'm going to do it yet but they're guaranteeing minimum $30 an hour which isn't too shabby for easy part time work...</p>
<p dir="ltr">I also want to start up an old hobby that I used to love, aquariums. I used to have some killer tanks years ago both freshwater and salt water. I'm gonna do cichlids here in Michigan and natural tank in Florida (gonna go snorkeling to collect my own fish/creatures/rock). Can't wait to get that going, just need a couple of tanks now!</p>
<p dir="ltr">Anyway, thanks again for keeping up with me to whomever still reads this. Hopefully someone who has been diagnosed with refractory or incurable cancer stumbles across this and is given hope that you still can have a relatively decent life living with cancer. It's not always rosy but with perseverance and a little luck, it is possible. The key is to try and enjoy it (feeling relatively well) while it lasts.</p>
<p dir="ltr">God Bless,</p>
<p dir="ltr"><u>Chris</u></p>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"> <a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiiKN_VIUI3GzUKVPs75Sg6YhilEPhFJ97uHRX85u7f2mvcvEAovJhDovOFPi3bCxygNUKex_JqogQcGTcmliJZuDbFarpQrxUiEjjpjqs_YyjywNvwBNMbTeiLbh08n4C0mK3SAZUmY4k/s1600/20141103_144714.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"> <img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiiKN_VIUI3GzUKVPs75Sg6YhilEPhFJ97uHRX85u7f2mvcvEAovJhDovOFPi3bCxygNUKex_JqogQcGTcmliJZuDbFarpQrxUiEjjpjqs_YyjywNvwBNMbTeiLbh08n4C0mK3SAZUmY4k/s640/20141103_144714.jpg"> </a> </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"> <a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiqeijAQl-ABblUdso-osDY2QcZ477qM8ERwcaJshbfABlu_LXJB2cqJUjfej11-qyJpkp4OEHSREcBGrZcz7BtY2lLU_vmJIi9dIlmxjq3_hnlNHbDRq1nHDk0QLfdDZAV1gpiRG2SfPs/s1600/20141020_151347.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"> <img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiqeijAQl-ABblUdso-osDY2QcZ477qM8ERwcaJshbfABlu_LXJB2cqJUjfej11-qyJpkp4OEHSREcBGrZcz7BtY2lLU_vmJIi9dIlmxjq3_hnlNHbDRq1nHDk0QLfdDZAV1gpiRG2SfPs/s640/20141020_151347.jpg"> </a> </div>Chrishttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00680217140379356951noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1929683851865299238.post-63252045627286779802014-11-02T15:20:00.001-08:002014-11-02T15:20:14.403-08:00Blowing off some steam<p dir="ltr">Well, I started this blog to document my experiences trying to survive cancer. I don't think there's a whole lot I haven't talked about on here except for my personal life for obvious reasons.</p>
<p dir="ltr">There's so much that goes into living with this disease, knowing that being refractory, I will always have to wonder (no matter how hard I try not to) when it's going to decide to get agressive again. As I mentioned before, it's a full time job trying to keep it out of my mind while managing the pain and deficits it's left me with which I won't fully go into as that is not my intent for this post.</p>
<p dir="ltr">One thing I never ever thought I would have to worry about is unconditional support from certain people like close friends and family. While most of my close friends and family have been there for me through thick and thin, one person who I never thought would turn their back on me has done just that, my own father. It's not just recently but pretty much the entire time I've been going through this. I remember when I first was diagnosed and started chemo him and his wife (who is just as bad and even worse) went on vacation for a month in Mexico and never bothered to make a single phone call to see how I was doing or even an email. His excuse was it was too expensive to call (as if they couldn't afford a $5.00 phone call). Little did I know that would only be the beginning of a series of insensitive remarks like "can't you ever joke around" or "boy, you've really changed since you got cancer"... It's always seemed to be about him. I talked to a therapist and she told me people like that suffer from narcissistic personality disorder (not being able to understand what a person is going through and taking things personally if say I'm grumpy or not in a jovial mood).</p>
<p dir="ltr">There were many more shocking incidents but none as bad as what happened as he was driving me down for a chemotherapy infusion 4-5 years ago. I wasn't feeling all that great and said something that obviously hit a nerve with him and the next thing I know he was pulling over on the freeway, just north of the Mack exit on I75, in the dead of winter Dec 31st, in a not so great part of Detroit. He told me to get out of the car! Needless to say, I was in shock and pretty pissed. That's the first time in my life I ever put up my fists and felt like cracking him one. I'm happy to say I refrained from that, demanded he drive me to the hospital so I could get my treatment and when he dropped me off, used what little strength I had in my legs (I had guillaine barre syndrome at the time) to kick his car and slam the door, I was livid and in shock, not sure who wouldn't be after something like that. He then went on to change the story saying he pulled over because I raised my fists, almost as shocking as the incident itself, throwing me under the bus for his despicable act...</p>
<p dir="ltr">This was almost 5 years ago. If you've kept up with my blog, you'd know that I've dealt with so so much since then and never once did I receive a direct apology for what he did nor did I ever once receive a message, call, text or even a message passed along to ask how I was doing, not once. I don't know if there are any father's or mothers reading this but could you imagine your son or daughter going through what I've gone through and not ever bothering to see how they were doing? I don't get it and have been holding this in the entire time hoping that maybe he'd get it and be the bigger person and more importantly, a father.</p>
<p dir="ltr">I probably wouldn't be writing this still if it weren't for the way that he treats my mother. It was obviously bad when they were married (I'll spare going into the details of that because it's not my intention to delve into that period as bad as it was). However, when you continue to bully my mother, the woman who has taken care of my sister her entire life, the woman who nurtured her after she survived brain cancer, then chronic epilepsy, then her stroke and subsequent paralysis.... All the while barely if ever offering any kind of help financially (he left that to my now deceased step father). He put his hatred for my mother in front of ever checking on Nicole as my mom was the only conduit to finding out what really was going on with Nicole besides me before we became estranged. </p>
<p dir="ltr">Even with all that said, with him speaking to my mother like she is a piece of crap I still probably wouldn't be writing this blog if it weren't for this straw that broke the camels back if you will. Just recently after having to defend my mother once again after he went off on her because he demanded that Nicole's music therapy teacher sign a calendar proving she was there because he pays a measly $100 a month splitting the cost of the music therapist, a woman who is probably the best thing that's happened to Nicole since she's been in her now permanent disabled state, a woman who stays longer than she's supposed to, buys things for Nicole out of her own pocket... He demands she signs a calendar to prove she was there, pretty petty if you ask me, as if my mom is going to steal from my sister, forget the fact that she's paid for 90% of Nicole's essentials, I could go on and on about his utter neglect now and previously... What he told me though when I defended my mom for the umpteenth time would be the reason for me revealing all of this.</p>
<p dir="ltr">He had the audacity of blaming me for what happened to Nicole. Told me it was my fault because I "talked her into the surgery". Even writing this, I'm still shocked. If it was true, I probably wouldn't be writing this obviously as I would've wrote about this long ago (feeling guilty that I was the reason nicole is now paralyzed and unable to speak). If he had tried to develop any kind of relationship with my mom, he would've known that nicole had debilitating epilepsy where she was having grand mal seizures multiple times per week and sometimes daily. I introduced her to a neurologist who happens to be the wife of my oncologist and that is the extent of my involvement in her deciding to have the surgery. I wasn't even there when they decided to go forward with it but found out after the fact the doctor gave her an 85% chance at success so naturally we were all excited. The entire reason nicole is in the state she's in now is because they found active cancer cells in the scar tissue that they were removing, deadly agressive cancer cells that needed to be removed and in doing so, the doctor "scraped" too much and caused her blood vessels to rupture and thus causing the stroke. </p>
<p dir="ltr">Imagine seeing something like that happen to your brother or sister, I can't think of anything more tragic and every time I think about her, it makes me want to ball my eyes out, indescribable pain and someone is going to tell me it was my fault? This is supposed to be my father? Forget about his utter apathy as to what I deal with and have been dealing with for 7 years (which he told me recently that he's heard nobody believes?!) I'm sorry, when you mess with the two people that I care about more than anything in this world, I'm gonna call you out on that. I gave him a chance to take it back and apologize and it never happened. I have no choice but to release this stuff that I've been holding in for a long time now as it's been eating me up...</p>
<p dir="ltr">I know in my heart (as well as people who know the truth) that I never once tried to talk Nicole into anything. I think his crazy wife is putting some crazy ideas in his head, I have no idea but that is pretty messed up if you ask me. I don't care about the way he treats me or lack of any outward concern but if you're going to accuse me of almost killing my sister, I'm going to stand up for myself, that's about as low as you can get.</p>
<p dir="ltr">I'm sorry for this negative post at a time when I'm finally getting some relief from this new medicine from my cancer symptoms but couldn't let this fester in my head any longer. </p>
<p dir="ltr">I look forward to updating when I have my first post Nivolumab scan and hopefully reporting some good news! As far as my father is concerned, maybe after (or if) he reads this, maybe he'll realize that you don't treat people like that, let alone your own kids and the woman who's been taking care of your kids while you've been sitting on the sidelines the entire time. I'm embarrassed and ashamed but haven't given up hope that one day he'll get it.</p>
<p dir="ltr">Until then, it's back to enjoying life in the moment and being thankful to all the people who care about me and have stuck with me during my darkest days. You know who you are and I truly appreciate you all.</p>
<p dir="ltr">Sincerely, </p>
<p dir="ltr">Chris</p>
Chrishttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00680217140379356951noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1929683851865299238.post-78289302300739048882014-10-15T22:31:00.001-07:002014-10-15T22:31:36.136-07:00New Hope Nivolumab<p dir="ltr">Well, I started my new clinical trial last week, an immuno-therapy drug called Nivolumab. It doesn't actually treat the cancer, it treats my immune system. I don't understand the exact science but the drug basically turns on killer cells in my body that were previously for some reason ignoring the cancer. I've read more than once that it's the future of cancer treatment in many other types like melanoma, lung, certain breast cancers and others that I can't recall at the moment. The best part is that there are very few if any side effects. It almost seems to good to be true but the FDA was impressed enough with the potential to grant the drug "breakthrough status" which only happens if a phase 1 has really impressive results.</p>
<p dir="ltr">So, after a little rough start (my disease became inflamed and caused quite a bit of pain in my back and pretty much my whole body), I am now hopeful after hitting my low yesterday thinking I was regressing after feeling like crap all day, barely able to get out of bed. Today I felt like a completely different person, at least in the early part of the day. I've been dealing with a pleural rub where I can feel something (tumor) rubbing on my lower rt lung when I breathe. Not a very pleasant feeling I can tell you. Hoping this continues to improve as my energy level was much better today and it seemed like my back felt better too.</p>
<p dir="ltr">Going to try and get out tomorrow to celebrate, my first time out in a while. Going to see Pearl Jam at Joe Louis arena so that should be fun.</p>
<p dir="ltr">Here's to having a beer without having horrible back pain. Haven't had a beer in almost a month, just too painful, not worth it. I happen to express a rare disease symptom in Hodgkins where I have pain in my tumor sites when I have only a few sips of alcohol. It's a burning inside out pain that to me feels like either being shot or stabbed (-even thought neither has happened to me, I can only imagine, I bet this is close though, sometimes difficult to breathe). </p>
<p dir="ltr">Ok, cheers to Bristol Myers for inventing this promising new drug! I hope to God it works for me...</p>
<p dir="ltr"><u>Chris</u></p>
Chrishttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00680217140379356951noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1929683851865299238.post-75915010216118362532014-08-27T22:37:00.000-07:002014-08-28T10:34:18.618-07:00Need to vent...<p dir=ltr>Well, it's been a while since I've posted and as I sit here in my room, my back aching as it's been all day, I thought I would take this opportunity to let off some steam on my blog. I try my best to remain positive and when I started this endeavor of chronicling my experience with cancer, I went out of my way to find positives when they were pretty difficult to find... While I still do maintain a positive attitude most of the time, sometimes it's necessary to unload negative feelings, even if I'm only typing words on a computer. It's been therapeutic in the past and hopefully will be this time around as well.</p>
<p dir=ltr>As I'm pretty sure I mentioned in my last post, the Hodgkins has come back. I've been trying really hard to continue to live my life as normally as possible but lately, it's been getting tough. My back has been raging out lately in constant pain from my "target areas" around my t-9 through t-11 vertebrae. I don't know if it's from the Hodgkins growing (I can feel something in there), or my recent predicaments having to deal with a flood that brought almost 4 feet of sewer water into my basement destroying everything down there including my furnace, hot water heater and washer and dryer. I was in New York when it happened and I came back from that stressful experience (I drove there, not the most pleasant thing driving around Manhattan lost and trying to find parking, doctor's offices, etc) to a major disaster. It's not just the fact that I've lost around $15,000 (low side) of uninsured stuff but the fact that I've been living in a toxic bacteria infested home that is still partially infested and I don't have any hot water. My immune system is weak, I can't believe I haven't gotten sick, thank God. I was fortunate that my next door neighbors helped me remove a lot of the stuff that was down there to the front of the house for garbage pickup but I've done and continue to do everything on my own and hence possibly the source of my back issues (most likely a combination of that and the cancer growing).</p>
<p dir=ltr>It's always been a struggle taking care of myself since I was diagnosed back in Nov 2007 but this has really thrown me for a loop. How do I get through this with my back raging out and my energy level super low? I really feel for older people who live on their own and don't have a ton of people to rely on to help them out. It seems as I've gone through this journey, fewer and fewer people understand that the cancer is still around, still wreaking havoc on my body and peace of mind. I think that's kind of normal I suppose, maybe it's difficult for people to understand who haven't gone through it or know someone who lives with cancer. It can be pretty lonely sometimes to be honest. It's funny, I've been told that I've really changed... Well, I guess I have changed, I've become more hardened I think. It's hard not to become hardened when you're getting pounded with something almost every day of your life. The more you pound something, the harder it gets...</p>
<p dir=ltr>It's crazy that some people you think would understand and give you some rope have absolutely zero empathy for what a person in my situation goes through both physically and mentally. I've really learned a lot about people that have been in my life or were in my life at one point but for one reason or another, can't seem to understand or handle what I'm going through. Despite everything that has just happened to me, I haven't heard a single word from my father and not even acknowledged as a human being by his wife. I haven't been blessed with a child but pretty damn sure if I was, I wouldn't just be standing on the sidelines knowing that child is struggling. I don't get it... </p>
<p dir=ltr>With friends, I have to say that I've learned who really cares and who could care less. I used to have a large circle of friends when I was younger and as I've aged and then encountered this disease, I've seen that circle get smaller and smaller. I think it's natural for that to happen as you get older but when you get sick, people just don't want to deal with it it seems. I just went on a trip to Columbia with some friends I've known for a while. Unfortunately for me, one of these "friends" turned out to be one of the people that could care less about the issues I deal with and treated me like I was a major burden. Not the best of scenarios being in a foreign country dependent on your buddies to have your back but you live, hopefully learn and move on without that person in your life going forward.</p>
<p dir=ltr>I guess this whole experience has made me a little cynical about life which kinda sucks because I was never like that in my younger days. When you struggle, it seems to make you more aware of how many people are struggling out there. I guess it's kinda the same when you're not struggling. When things are going great, it's not pleasant to think about things that are really wrong in this world although I know there are a great many that do. I wish I could get my carefree attitude back but I'm afraid those days are long gone... I do however do my best to live a carefree life which definitely helps mitigate the negative feelings that creep in once in a while. It also helps to have people in my life that I can trust. People who I can share my feelings with, both good and bad. </p>
<p dir=ltr>These past few months have been some of the toughest times I've dealt with in the past 3 years (personally, witnessing my sister's stroke, stepfathers death and my moms cancer coming back all at once while also losing my confidante was definitely much worse). I was spoiled being on a clinical trial that actually worked! I have to remember that despite my struggles with energy, I never really thought about cancer and that unto itself is a huge weight not to have on your mind everyday. Today, right now, it's there (the thought of cancer) and mixed in with everything else, it's quite a load I have to say. </p>
<p dir=ltr>I'm really looking forward to getting started on this next trial, hopefully here in Detroit and not New York. I love New York and could start right away on PD-1 but the expense of going there every other week not to mention the stress of the city being a patient rather than just a visitor to me is worth waiting and dealing with the anxiety of knowing the cancer is festering inside me unchecked and this crazy back and body pain that's going on right now.</p>
<p dir=ltr>Here's to keeping my sanity over the next few weeks...</p>
<p dir=ltr>To those out there that truly care, thanks for reading and hopefully understanding.</p>
<p dir=ltr>Chris</p>
Chrishttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00680217140379356951noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1929683851865299238.post-28443527809794202062014-06-19T22:33:00.000-07:002014-06-19T22:33:22.039-07:00On my own...Tonight I go to sleep without taking the two pills per night I've been taking for the last three years that have basically kept me alive. It hasn't hit me yet or maybe I'm just battle weary but I'm moving forward in my life with cancer growing in my body and there's nothing I can do to stop it for the next 30 days or more. Kinda unnerving as I write this just thinking about it but I think it's really going to hit me when I wake up tomorrow morning with the pain I've been waking up with over the last 3 or so weeks. I call it the tin man effect. It's like my body is locked up and every move I make is painful until I'm able to take the meds to help me move like the tin man used oil to help him move. Now that I've stopped the RAD001, the drug I've been taking to keep the Hodgkins away the last 3 years, I wonder if the Hodgkins is going to grow even faster now that there's nothing to slow it down. I wonder if the pain is going to get significantly worse in a short period of time... <br />
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This is just one of the many things that are crowding my mind right now. So I wake up tomorrow to face the day with uncertainty and a healthy amount of fear while I do everything in my power to drink in the gift of life and be thankful to be alive.<br />
<br />
On the other hand, perhaps the benefits of not having to take this drug anymore will counterbalance the potential "exposure" issues and back pain with hopefully having more energy and finally getting my appetite back! Throughout my time taking this drug, my energy level has been 3 to 4 out of 10. In other words, I was pretty much exhausted every waking hour, I just learned how to mask it I guess. Can't wait to crave good food again! I can count on my one hand how many times I cooked a proper dinner for myself over the last year. It was either scavenging or getting a carryout. I had no desire to deal with food, going out to buy it let alone preparing it. The main culprit for this was the Everolimus or RAD001, yet it kept me alive... <br />
<br />
I'm thankful for the 3 years despite these two major side effects. I think anyone who has dealt with cancer would trade being tired and having no appetite for being cancer free. <br />
<br />
Part of me is excited to see if I can do better with the next trial. I can't get greedy and expect things to go perfectly and get great results with this next trial...<br />
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I guess it's ok to dream though right?<br />
<br />
With that said, I'm out... Chrishttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00680217140379356951noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1929683851865299238.post-81021838141602472012014-06-18T10:59:00.001-07:002014-06-18T10:59:28.135-07:00I'm back...And,not coincidentally, the cancer has returned as well. I told myself I need to start writing again as it's a great de-stresser and an easy way to possibly help people who are going through the same thing (compare experiences). I have a lot on my mind so please stay tuned for more to come. To those of you who have followed me since 2008 when I started this, sorry I've been m.i.a. I focused for a while writing about my sister and her stroke then just took time away to enjoy life...<br />
<br />
Not the ideal conditions to restart this blog but not a whole lot I can do about it!<br />
<br />
Thanks for the support and thanks again for reading. Probably have a good lengthy post within the next couple of days. I have quite a bit on my mind....<br />
<br />
ChrisChrishttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00680217140379356951noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1929683851865299238.post-55773914541966950502013-09-27T11:29:00.001-07:002013-09-27T17:27:58.056-07:00Keep on moving...<p dir="ltr">That's been my edict ever since I've been feeling better over the last few weeks! My feet have finally shrunk back to their normal size although I still have some edema left in my ankles. It's a little sore but nothing like it was before thankfully... I had my monthly check up today and everything checked out OK I guess. They just draw my blood and give me more Everolimus as I turn in the shell from the pills I had taken prior. I'm not sure why they want them back; why in the world wouldn't I take the medicine?! Seems silly to me but whatever... They changed the required CT scans now from every 3-4 months to every six months which is nice. So, I don't have to worry about a scan until January. Hopefully after my birthday....</p>
<p dir="ltr">So, with my dogs back to somewhat normal and no infections or stabbing pains in my back I've been trying to balance taking care of my sister (helping my Mom) and trying to enjoy my relative good health :) I'm emboldened to suck all of the nectar out of this sweet remission, I feel so blessed. One of my dear friends Bekah is in the hospital due to complications from the stupid Hodge and while I'm aching inside knowing what she's going through, it just reminds me that relative good health is so precious, I can't take it for granted or waste any second of it!</p>
<p dir="ltr">Because of this, not to mention my bachelor status, I feel compelled to travel whenever the opportunity presents itself. I've kinda given up on dating, it's such a racket and I'm tired of having to answer "so what do you do?". If I'm blessed enough to meet someone who accepts my situation without having to do the whole online dating thing, great! It's not exactly easy doing all of this on my own but unfortunately being a cancer survivor can be a lonely endeavor sometimes. I've learned to manage however so whatever happens happens I suppose...</p>
<p dir="ltr">I wrote the above paragraphs on a plane coming down to steamy Florida to check on my place down here. I was sitting with a couple who were a bit older than me. The guy remarked to me as soon as I sat down that he needed to "get drunk so he could fly". When he said that, the smell of alcohol was already permeating from his pores. He then popped some pill along with his wife and proceeded to drink several of those little travel size whiskeys and by the time we landed he was completely tanked. I had my headphones on for most of the flight but when I took them off, all I heard coming out of his loud mouth were F bombs every other word, ugh. I could've handled it by just ignoring him as I was trying to do the entire flight. Unfortunately, there were two little girls sitting behind me with their mom who had a mortified look on her face. I had to say something... Thankfully, his wife finally stepped in and along with a couple of other passengers joining my side, he finally shut up. What a total jackass... From there it was on to the tri-rail shuttle (the tri-rail is a train that runs from Miami to West Palm beach all day long). Unfortunately, the shuttle never showed up, great! So, the other 3 of us who were waiting for the shuttle to the train station banded together and got a taxi to the train station which is about 15 minutes from the airport. We left at 10:05 and the train was leaving at 10:18 -pretty hairy- but we did it walking up to the station as the train was pulling in, what a stressful but satisfying adventure!</p>
<p dir="ltr">I guess that story is a perfect analogy of my life these days, never easy but finding a way to make things happen... As one of my all time favorite basketball players said (Ben Wallace from the Detroit Pistons), if it aint rough, it aint right!</p>
<p dir="ltr">Word...</p>
<p dir="ltr">Chris</p>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"> <a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi2l1KEozB2aRhQltoWGy5oxRPBDbcsiqeD2D_8ZNVoUErMECxMVzx0KPZeSTy2thDRGqAZS9gcqEfmgJ9Ix4XaffcHJvkhY8i6qWCtJI9CI9J9-WnGa0mw31VA9RlkQN-OL2nAkRQRxuU/s1600/20130816_155232.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"> <img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi2l1KEozB2aRhQltoWGy5oxRPBDbcsiqeD2D_8ZNVoUErMECxMVzx0KPZeSTy2thDRGqAZS9gcqEfmgJ9Ix4XaffcHJvkhY8i6qWCtJI9CI9J9-WnGa0mw31VA9RlkQN-OL2nAkRQRxuU/s400/20130816_155232.jpg"> </a> </div>Chrishttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00680217140379356951noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1929683851865299238.post-78295557063097547422013-09-11T00:26:00.001-07:002013-09-11T00:26:55.166-07:00Cankles<p dir="ltr">Hello remaining readers, haven't written in a while, feeling the need to vent so what a better way than to release my frustrations into the blogosphere....</p>
<p dir="ltr">Life overall actually has been good, I had an opportunity to attend my cousin Jeff and his new wife Heather's wedding in Oahu. I swam with sea turtles, jumped out of an airplane over the ocean and watched my once kid cousin marry his beautiful bride, pretty good stuff! I also was able to raise enough money through the creation of my sister Nicole's blog and subsequent fundraising to get her back on track with therapy to help her recover from her stroke. I have to say that August was one if the best months I've had in a long time...</p>
<p dir="ltr">With that said, the side effects and lingering effects of having so much therapy continue to take their toll on my body. The latest issue is my feet or what were once feet and now looking more like balloons. I had a staff infection for a while after my seventh chronic ingrown toenail was removed and I think being active in the ocean has brought it back even after a round of augmentin. Have to go in tomorrow to my podiatrist to find out what's going on. I haven't been able to wear shoes for two months now, this is getting old. I've had to buy all new shoes one to one and a half sizes larger to try and prevent the toenails from growing back into my skin and no matter what I do, even as my toenails continue to get smaller and smaller from extraction, I am still dealing with this crap for the last three plus years.</p>
<p dir="ltr">If I can figure out how to deal with this, the world will be my oyster!! I feel so blessed to have my relatively good health right now and the cancer seemingly staying away thanks to the success of the Everolimus. Thank you Novartis for providing the drug and covering my medical expenses. I feel fortunate to be a part of the successful arm of this experiment and honored to be participating in something that will hopefully help others down the road with difficult to treat Hodgkins.</p>
<p dir="ltr">Here's to normal sized feet the next time I write.</p>
<p dir="ltr">Sorry to gross anyone out!! Maybe there are others out there who take Everolimus (RAD001) that ha<u>ve</u> issues with chronically swollen feet?</p>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"> <a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhRQkWpT6uLciqXfc7AlkBEQq34EJm0RPN0OzTeibMZlAABNxDQQvxCYSKGbe8vnJvanJNSLA4eD18hRKzRPYp0WAgK9nHFbcW5gdzvfYMHJgBjZ-OKDtm2QxAUZ6MsAB-uf03qggkfjws/s1600/20130911_024328.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"> <img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhRQkWpT6uLciqXfc7AlkBEQq34EJm0RPN0OzTeibMZlAABNxDQQvxCYSKGbe8vnJvanJNSLA4eD18hRKzRPYp0WAgK9nHFbcW5gdzvfYMHJgBjZ-OKDtm2QxAUZ6MsAB-uf03qggkfjws/s640/20130911_024328.jpg"> </a> </div>Chrishttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00680217140379356951noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1929683851865299238.post-15838872743386849122013-08-06T13:48:00.001-07:002013-08-06T13:48:18.845-07:00Nicoles Blog Address<p dir="ltr">Hello again, I finally put out the rough but functional outline for what will be Nicole's donation/progress blog. You can find it at nicolesangels.blogspot.com </p>
<p dir="ltr">Thanks so much for your support!</p>
<p dir="ltr">Chris</p>
Chrishttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00680217140379356951noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1929683851865299238.post-88808428096913886332013-07-31T22:27:00.001-07:002013-07-31T22:27:24.491-07:00Quick catch up, Nicole<p dir="ltr">Hello there, to whoever is interested in this blog, I sincerely apologize for not keeping it up to date.  Life has been difficult over the last several months and I think it all came to a head when Rich passed.  In other words, I think that was the low point.  Nicole is still struggling and I'm in the process of brainstorming ways to raise money for her as her Medicare ran out and she's no longer eligible for any type of therapy, none.  Out of pocket it would cost $80 per session and she should be getting some kind of therapy every day, either speech, physical or occupational.  It is a lot of money and I have to figure out how to make it happen.  Any suggestions would be welcome.  I'm going to start a new blog for Nicole highlighting her fight to talk and walk again.  I hope this works...</p>
<p dir="ltr">As for me, I'm still kicking.  My last scan was unremarkable or whatever interesting words they choose to use on the dictation portion.  My spine is still eroding though and it's obviously a concern of mine.  The pain is always there to some degree and I just have to be careful with what I do.  My toes oddly enough are my biggest nemesis right now.  I have chronic ingrown toenails on both big toes, all four corners, ugh! They're like the terminator, they just keep coming back... I haven't been able to wear shoes without causing more damage in a long long time. For those following because they are on Everolimus as well, the fatigue is still there in full force. When I can sleep, I do it a lot. If I don't sleep at night, I will sleep into the afternoon if I have to. I just know the 'importance of sleep and the wear and tear it does to your body when you don't get enough of it. Needless to say, this has been difficult to incorporate into a normal life but it's a work in progress...</p>
<p dir="ltr">So, next big step isn't for me but my sister Nicole. I will post next time with a link to her new blog or my new blog, same thing. This is the most important thing I can do in my life at the moment is help her. My goal is $8,000 that will pay for 100 sessions. The idea is to raise enough money until next year when her Medicare starts over.</p>
<p dir="ltr">Selfishly, I must admit I'm hoping that by doing this it will lift me up as well. Not financially as I'm able to get by modestly. What I'm hoping for is a lift in my spirits as I've been down for a while now. I've lost some pretty important resources in my life, some I've discussed, some I haven't. Life has not been easy and I hope as things come together hopefully for Nicole I'll start snapping out of my funk and start enjoying life again. There's a certain amount of guilt that I feel anytime I'm doing something "fun" as I think of her being stuck in a bed unable to walk or talk and surrounded by ancient people with dementia. I think we all know she'll never be the same after her stroke but we'll never know how much she's able to get back if nobody is working for her.</p>
<p dir="ltr">Wish me luck and sorry again for staying away. Feels good to reconnect with the blogosphere again!<br></p>
<p dir="ltr">Cheers! Chris<br>
</p>
Chrishttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00680217140379356951noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1929683851865299238.post-62327106092151627832013-05-20T00:41:00.001-07:002013-05-20T00:41:42.371-07:00Hard Times<p dir="ltr">Well, I'm forcing myself to write tonight because I know it's been way too long and some family members have reminded me of that recently.  I guess you could say that the main reason I haven't written lately is because there hasn't been much good to write about unfortunately.</p>
<p dir="ltr">I'm saddened to say that my stepfather Rich has passed away.  He got hit again with some kind of infection that landed him in the hospital and he ended up with c-diff.  They tried everything but in the end, his body was too weak to fight any longer and he passed in the hospital with the immediate family in the room.  I couldn't stay in the room to watch his final breaths, it was just too much for me to handle losing so many friends with Hodgkins over the last few years in very similar circumstances, being intubated...  So, right before they decided to take the tubes out and let him pass, I shook his hand and thanked him in my head for everything he's done for my family, especially my Mom and Nicole.  He was probably the nicest guy I've ever known, caring more about the welfare of others more than his own ever since I've known him as he married my Mom over 20 years ago.  I learned so much from Rich, he was a great Man, a throwback, one of a kind.  He is going to be missed by a lot of people.  </p>
<p dir="ltr">This is a sad story but a testament of what kind of guy he was;  As I've written previously, my sister suffered a stroke.  Unfortunately, she hasn't improved all that much and I will elaborate on that later.  Anyway, she is going to be in a wheel chair for a good while and knowing this, Rich sold the beautiful place that they were very comfortable in to a more modest single level home that needed work.  He had been in and out of the hospital several times at this point and I know he didn't need the extra stress.  They got that place fixed up and right before the move, he ended up in the hospital and never got to the chance to come back and sleep in his new home.  A lot of the work that was done in the house was to accommodate Nicole.  He had guys widen the bathroom door and her bedroom door (when she's able to come home) so her wheelchair would fit through.  He also had the guys put in wood floors instead of carpet so she could get around in the chair.  I can't say enough about how grateful I am that he came into our lives just over 20 years ago.  </p>
<p dir="ltr">So I touched on Nicole earlier and it's unbelievable what she's been through.  She literally had a hole in her head left over from the initial surgery that was left to be exposed to whatever got near it.  I looked in there when she was at the nursing center and you could see a screw sticking out, I knew something was wrong there.  So, they finally got her to see a plastic surgeon who took a piece of skin from her thigh and sewed it onto the middle of her scalp, lowering her skin over the hole.  She now has a reverse Mohawk that is going to stay like that for a year until they can blow up the side of her head and pull the skin back together.  It is a pretty painful procedure from what I know and I can't believe she has to go through more than she already has, it's never ending.  When we visit, she tries so hard to get words out that it's painful to sit there and watch.  I know they have her on medication to help her mood and I'm so thankful that something like that is available as I don't know how she could cope otherwise.  I know I get frustrated if I get tongue tied but to not be able to get a word out except randomly would make me go crazy.  She also has Apraxia which means she can't connect her thoughts to any form of expression as of yet.  She's taking baby steps with spelling her name and the abc's but it hasn't gone much further than that.  As I mentioned the house earlier, we hope that she will be able to come home but if she stays like she is now, I don't know how it can happen unless a full time nurse came to the home 7 days a week.  Medicare/Medicaid won't pay for that I'm pretty sure so it's scary and depressing knowing that there is a chance she may have to spend potentially years in not so nice places.  I know that if anything happens to me, everything I have will go to getting her a full time home nurse.</p>
<p dir="ltr">Needless to say, things are a bit grim right now but somehow, some way we will figure out how to carry on.  The final issue now that has been not ignored but put on the back burner is my Mom's relapse of her breast cancer.  She has gone over a month dealing with everything from my sister to the move to Rich and now it's time to turn the attention to making sure she gets the best treatment.  We have an appointment on Wednesday at my cancer center Karmanos downtown to find out exactly what type she has now (the initial biopsy was inconclusive but there is suspicion it's changed types).  We will find out then what the plan is but it will surely involve more chemo and I just can't believe this is happening...</p>
<p dir="ltr">Doing my best I suppose to maintain my sanity, I had a CT scan last week and I don't even care what it shows.  I'm feeling ok but could as usual use more energy.  My main focus now is to take care of my Mom and Nicole the best that I can.  </p>
<p dir="ltr">As always, thanks for reading and caring.  I desperately want to write about something fun and uplifting and know something good is going to happen to us soon.  Until then, it's breath by breath, trying to find little pieces of positivity in small things like the sunset tonight and the warm temps that are coming in.  Stuff like watching all the stuff I planted last year bloom like the baby cherry blossom trees in my front and back yard.  Spring is supposed to be healing so here's to my Mom and Nicole healing and my continued relative good health on this clinical trial.</p>
<p dir="ltr">Cheers,</p>
<p dir="ltr">Chris</p>
Chrishttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00680217140379356951noreply@blogger.com10tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1929683851865299238.post-46056170242720335292013-04-03T08:54:00.001-07:002013-04-03T08:54:21.809-07:00Quick update<p dir=ltr>So I just wanted to update on everybody's condition including my own.  My sister is still going through a rough road.  It seems as if the establishment has given up on her and it's going to be up to us to figure out a way to keep getting her physical/occupational and speech therapy.  We can't do anything yet as she's in acute care right now recovering from surgery to repair the hole on the side of her head that never healed.  They took a graft of skin from her leg and somehow attached it to the side of her head.  I'm looking forward to seeing how it came out when she can get her bandage off.  Poor thing, they had to shave her head again and I think finally this whole thing is getting to her as she had a meltdown after the surgery.  Who can blame her?  She was supposed to be making plans for the summer like the rest of us and instead is totally dependent on other people to take care of her.  Our biggest goal now is to get her home with my Mom and Rich, despite their own health issues they are busting their butt trying to get the new place retrofitted for wheel chair usage and making the bathroom usable for her in the future we hope.  There is no other way to describe this story but as really sad.  There will be a time in the future where we get hope back and I can't wait for that day to come...</p>
<p dir=ltr>Regarding my Mom, during all of this crap as if we didn't have enough problems, found out her cancer is back and has spread to a spot in her lung.  Just waiting for another test and she is going right back into treatment with some kind of chemo cocktail.  Her attitude is amazing but understandably it's been hard to cope.  Everything seems to be overshadowed by Nicole however.  That said, she is still doing EVERYTHING to take care of Nicole's situation and we've been grateful for the family chipping in to make sure she's not alone for too long.  Where she was staying was pretty depressing to say the least...  It would be nice to get some more help from her father and his wife but I guess they have other important things going on, I don't know.</p>
<p dir=ltr>I guess I will save some decent news for last as I know these posts have probably turned a lot of people away due to the depressing tone over the last several months.  I wish I could somehow turn all of this into a rosy situation but the real life reality is not very rosy and it would be disingenuous for me to sit here and candy coat all of this.  Back to the decent news, sorry!  My last scan, the one where I thought it was going to be bad turned out to be not so bad after all!  Everything held stable and some disease was even smaller.  Just in time to celebrate this though, I developed sciatica in my back and have been dealing with this nagging painful bs for the last month plus now.  It's much better than it was as at first, I couldn't even walk.  Thanks to my friend Derek who's an excellent chiropractor, I'm walking upright again!  The next stage is to somehow get rid of this pain that goes all the way down my leg and I'll be good to go hopefully for the summer :)</p>
<p dir=ltr>I have a ton of stories, some funny some not so funny but I don't have time right now to write an entertaining piece.  Just wanted anyone to know who still reads this what's happening.  I hope to have some good news here sometime hopefully in the near future...</p>
<p dir=ltr>Time to go outside to the nice sunshine here in Florida and continue to work on my patio.  I'm trying to get this place together so it's able to be rented.  I need to be in Michigan to support my family and hope to head back by next week.</p>
<p dir=ltr>One quick note, please take a second to look at Bekah's blog which you'll find a link on the right, "True Beauty Never Hurries".  We spoke recently and she is great but could use some positive thoughts as she deals with the after effects of so much treatment.  She is the only original refractory Hodgkins friend that I met on the old Lymphoma Board who is still around (there are a couple more but I don't know them all that well, Zack comes to mind who could use some positive thoughts as well).</p>
<p dir=ltr>Thanks again to anyone who reads this.</p>
<p dir=ltr>Chris</p>
Chrishttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00680217140379356951noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1929683851865299238.post-49580102215712685952013-03-04T02:28:00.001-08:002013-03-04T02:45:09.761-08:00Sometimes it's difficult...<p dir=ltr>Here I am again, unable to sleep, the usual culprit my back raging out... I've gotten pretty good at figuring out how to mitigate the crazy stabbing/radiating pain that I think I wrote about last time. This, coming from the Hodgkin's getting into my spine and eroding away at the bone as well as being in the soft tissue surrounding where nerves are present. Needless to say, my spine is weakened in this area and has become so sensitive that I've finally discovered why the pain mostly occurred at night when I was in bed. It has everything to do with keeping my digestive system working properly and avoiding eating late or eating heavy foods that are hard to digest like red meat. The problem is with the actual "weight" of my stomach or bowels (gross but true I'm afraid). So, simply, if I have a stomach or intestines that are full of food or digesting/digested food, the extra weight that adds to my organs or innerds if you will causes the pressure on some affected nerve in my middle spinal area when I'm lying flat. I've had a lot of time to think about this and through process of elimination, have come up with theory...</p>
<p dir=ltr>So, with that figured out, and some adjustments in how I eat, I figured I hopefully wouldn't have to deal with that horrible experience for a while or -- in a dream world -- forever...</p>
<p dir=ltr>Then, on the tail end of my respite in Delray, somehow I discovered pysiattica. Not sure if that's how you spell it but the spell check doesn't even recognize it so screw it! Anyway, I felt a twinge when I was still here in Detroit and as the days went by the twinge turned into constant pain until I was totally hunched over and barely able to walk. I then drove all the way up here somehow, thankfully with my buddy, 1200 miles that couldn't have helped the situation. When I got back here, I was pretty much crippled. The pain was constant and strong, 7 mostly with 10's spiked in there if I happened to move wrong. Conveniently, my good buddy Derek who I golf with in the summer is an ace chiropractor and after three sessions has me almost standing upright and on my way to walking without pain. Unfortunately, the pain that runs all the way down my leg is acting up tonight and keeping me up, ugh...</p>
<p dir=ltr>Brings me to the title of this post... I hate to sound ungrateful but sometimes (well, most of the time actually) the grind of the daily pain and other undesirable after effects from heavy treatment become too much to handle. It's hard to stay positive all the time or even most of the time lately. Chronic pain and fatigue will do that to you over time. It was funny, a person that has been out of my life ever since my relapse made a comment to me in a somewhat heated conversation (over misinformation she had received regarding a trip to one of my chemo sessions gone bad) at my sisters' first rehab center. She told me that I've really changed since I've had cancer... Being in complete shock of the ignorance of the statement, I didn't even know what to say back in response. I mean, how do you NOT change even just being diagnosed let alone going through treatment after treatment always feeling like crap only to find out that will continue for as long as I live (to keep me alive). I find it increasingly difficult to cope with the daily pounding, seemingly with a new flavor every month it seems and most times dealing with a few things at the same time...</p>
<p dir=ltr>I'm sure this sounds like I'm complaining and to be honest, I guess I am. It feels better to complain sometimes and by doing it this way, I don't have to worry about bumming out the person or people that happen to ask me lately how I'm doing. It's kinda hard to b.s. someone when you're hunched over trying walk!</p>
<p dir=ltr>I receive comfort by thinking that this too shall pass... The cynic in me asks though, "so what's next"?!</p>
<p dir=ltr>With all of this bitching and moaning out of my system hopefully, I can say there is one thing that makes me forget about all of my garbage and that is a visit to my sister who somehow carries on without the use of her right side, ability to speak and without the ability to control other essential functions. You know this is true that no matter how bad you think you have it, there is always someone out there that is worse off. When I see her and spend time with her and see how she struggles with the most basic things, I feel almost normal. It's actually harder watching her go through what she goes through than dealing with my stuff.</p>
<p dir=ltr>I'm hoping that with spring on its way, things will get better for everybody that has been struggling like Rich and my Mom who've been Nicoles caregivers and cheerleaders like they've always been despite dealing with their pre existing conditions and the infections that this nasty flu season brought down on so many. I also wanted to give a shout out to my friend Bekah who is having problems getting her bone marrow to cooperate after so many treatments for her Hodgkin's as well. Hoping there is something to reverse this trend or hoping time off from treatment will allow her counts to start going back up where they need to be.</p>
<p dir=ltr>Lots of hoping in there... Nothing wrong with hope right?</p>
<p dir=ltr>Here's to a healing spring,</p>
<p dir=ltr><u>Chris</u></p>
<p dir=ltr> </p>
<div class='separator' style='clear: both; text-align: center;'> <a href='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhuL6NIu3viY2-3-CY8ZBqMDlj3-_il7AAKb6rA1Ncq5oEDKCdgaUPne0osXeoiSW7eBDrUmsEw5mW481P_y1s6o8a45l8qOZp1sCMtxr7Jb8PmumM1WMFgFU2IZc5P9is7M0zyTKZoMmk/s1600/IMG_20130220_215711_007.jpg' imageanchor='1' style='margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;'> <img border='0' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhuL6NIu3viY2-3-CY8ZBqMDlj3-_il7AAKb6rA1Ncq5oEDKCdgaUPne0osXeoiSW7eBDrUmsEw5mW481P_y1s6o8a45l8qOZp1sCMtxr7Jb8PmumM1WMFgFU2IZc5P9is7M0zyTKZoMmk/s640/IMG_20130220_215711_007.jpg' /> </a> </div>Chrishttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00680217140379356951noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1929683851865299238.post-71713061488345971392013-02-15T16:03:00.001-08:002013-02-15T16:03:03.286-08:00Back from the Abyss<p dir=ltr>Hello everyone. I was just notified today from someone who follows this that it's been three months since I last wrote, sorry. It's been a whirlwind of emotions and ups and downs both mentally and physically. I really haven't had the desire to write not to mention the tools which I'm happy to report have been upgraded to an Asus Transformer tablet and coordinating plug in keyboard which is really sweet!</p>
<p dir=ltr>Anyway, it has been a tough few months to be honest. Watching Nicole go through what she's had to go through has been difficult to put it mildly. I'm so unbelievably proud of her for how she's handled everything with grace and and dignity. She is a very special person and I'm so proud to be her brother. Progress hasn't been as rapid as we hoped but she is taking baby steps which is ok just as long as they're in the right direction. I think the latest milestone besides her speech getting somewhat better is that I discovered on a recent visit that she is starting to get feeling back in her leg! She still can't move it but again, we'll take baby steps going forward all day long...</p>
<p dir=ltr>As for myself, it's kinda been the same story, rollercoaster ride of sorts both mentally and physically. It's difficult dealing with all my crap but something about watching your only sibling go through much worse is much more painful because you feel absolutely hepless. I bring her food everytime I see her because I couldn't imagine having to eat what they give her everyday, it's not the best and sometimes not even edible. My mom understands this and has been spending so much time with her there, taking care of her both emotionally and finacially just makes me wish the other side of her immediate family would contribute a little more in healthy groceries, healthy meals, pajamas/sweats, room decorations, plants, flowers, anything. Not to mention, my Mom has been working on all of the stuff behind the scenes like her phone calls, going to all her appointments (which is no picnic) and had to sell and purchase a new home (which has to be outfitted for wheelchair, not cheap). I worry how her and Rich are going to do it with my Mom still going through cancer treatment and Rich with his heart and breathing issues. They have given up their vacations and have put Nicole first like they've always done, as far as parents go, they both are all stars in my book.</p>
<p dir=ltr>To update on my health for those of you who are interested (thanks Dorrin from Bowling Green), I've been walking a tightrope staying on this trial. My last scan lit up in my spine but the SUV levels were low so we continued. This was actually three months ago. In the time since, I've been dealing with unbelievale chronic fatigue. It's been difficult to do anything besides sleeping. For a while there, that's all I did was see my sister and sleep. I think I had way more energy when I was actually going through the shit (chemo) than I did recently. Not to mention, that thing that lit up in my back was my t-9 thru t-11 vertebrae which I think are still being eroded by residual or new growing cancer cells (as my latest scan has also shown but I don't have the official report yet). The pain, especially at night when I try to sleep, is like being stabbed or shot (I've never been shot nor stabbed so I'm guessing), hot burning bone pain that sometimes, most times, radiates into my abdomen and almost takes my breath away (or makes it hard to breath). I don't know if the pain is causing spasms or what but when it happens, I know I'm not sleeping that night and going to be a zombie the next day. So, the next issue is my lack of sleep. If you don't sleep well at night, it just seems to cause so many problems in just functioning normally, it's almost like your brain doesn't know what to do. It's hard to think straight after one night of insomnia let alone a string of nights, ugh... </p>
<p dir=ltr>I have taken a respite though, I'm writing this from Florida which is serving as my retreat from all of this. I have been feeling much better over the last few days and have slept normally two nights in a row! Also, a big problem when I'm in Michigan this winter have been nose bleeds. My platelets have always been low on this trial but when you combine the dry freezing cold weather with that, my nose is always bleeding. Sometimes I can't leave the house because I can't stop it. It gets embarrasing not to mention I've been going through a lot of sheets and pillow cases. Thankfully, it's nice and humid down here and the nosebleeds instantly dissapear! </p>
<p dir=ltr>So, the plan is to get another week of warmth down here then it's back up north to my home. I miss my family and my sister. Nice thing is I have Chili with me so she keeps me company and keeps me smiling :)</p>
<p dir=ltr>I'm in the process of working on this place down here which has come a long way since I moved in. Last winter I did the kitchen (basically resurfaced everything) and this winter I'm going to work on the patio. I'll post some before and after pics (if my back holds out) as soon as I can. My energy has been better down here too thankfully. I've written a bunch in the past on the healing power of the sun and this is just another example :)</p>
<p dir=ltr>Thanks for reading, hope to update sooner next time ;)</p>
<p dir=ltr>Chris<br>
</p>
Chrishttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00680217140379356951noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1929683851865299238.post-49917257347265277802012-11-02T13:34:00.001-07:002012-11-02T13:34:42.473-07:00Learning how to cope...Hello Everyone,<br />
<br />
I've been meaning to post but just haven't been able to come up with the words... To put it mildly, the last few weeks have been rough. Nicole finally got over her pneumonia and is in her own brand new suite at RIM (rehabilitation institute of Michigan). She's right handed and unfortunately, that's the side that has been affected. So, not only is she paralyzed on that side (including her vision), she suffering from Apraxia and Aphasia which makes it really tough for her to speak. She had a subcortical stroke and there is a chance she can recover... Thankfully, she has some wonderful people working with her with the hope that she may regain some of her functions. Nobody is able to predict how much she'll be able to get back. That said, we've all been there to root her on. As you can imagine, she's majorly disappointed and needs encouragement and support. <br />
<br />
I've been trying to put myself in her shoes and with everything I've been through, nothing compares to what she's having to deal with. I lost the use of my hands, feet and most of my strength with Guillaine Barre so I had a taste of what it'd be like but I was still able to take care of myself mostly. With her situation right now though, she is totally dependant on the rehab staff and us for everything. When I say everything, I mean everything and it breaks my heart.<br />
<br />
Through all of this though, she still manages to smile and laugh, quite an amazing woman I must say. There ought to be a picture of her face when you look up courage in the dictionary. The biggest tragedy is that she decided to undergo this surgery with the hope of a better life after her epilepsy got so bad. She had dreams of driving again, building up her social life, maybe even working again...<br />
<br />
My hope now is to watch her walk out of RIM and we'll see what happens from there. She's already made some important incremental "steps" in different facets of her recovery and we're all looking forward to celebrating with her as she continues down the long road to recovery.<br />
<br />
Other than trying to keep my disease at bay, her getting better is my main focus in life right now.<br />
<br />
I also wanted to honor my friend Marsha Privalsky who tragically passed away recently. We were diagnosed with Hodgkins right around the same time and would root each other on as we went through a very similar treatment timeline. She was quite the fighter and a major inspiration to me as I went through all of my crap. Condolences to Bob and her family. She will be missed by many.<br />
<br />
I will try and update as time allows (and my computer holds on as it's on life support rt now). <br />
<br />
Thanks for reading as always.<br />
<br />
ChrisChrishttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00680217140379356951noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1929683851865299238.post-64030923081660349002012-10-08T08:40:00.004-07:002012-10-08T08:40:45.208-07:00Sad NewsIt took me a day to get the strength to post this news but here goes... My sister Nicole, during her major surgery, has had a stroke. This explains why she cant move her right side, head to toe. Needless to say, we are all devastated. This procedure was supposed to give her a better life, a chance to get back out into the world without the fear of having a seizure, perhaps even a chance to drive.<br />
<br />
If I would've wrote this yesterday, I think it would have come across very angry because that's what I was -- angry -- angry and sad. She has been through so much and was so excited about this procedure it just breaks my heart...<br />
<br />
So, going forward (which we have no choice and very good practice), she has a long road back. They're going to start right away with physical and speech therapy, most likely on her floor in ICU as she's still pretty out of it (as of last night). Once she's alert and able, they'll be transferring her PT to a program within the DMC called R.I.M. which is a very aggressive and many times successful physical therapy program for stroke victims and the like. I'm hoping and praying that she has the strength and will to go at this with all she has. Knowing how tough she is and her will to make her life better, she'll do the best she can. <br />
<br />
I don't want to get into the reason why she had the stroke because quite frankly, I don't know if any of us will ever know for sure. I remember Dr. Mittal mentioning how hard he had to scrape the old scar tissue from her brain and wonder if he might have scraped a little too hard, rupturing one of her blood vessels. In any event, it is what it is and there's not a whole lot we can do now except hope for another miracle (it's actually a miracle Nicole is alive in the first place if you've read any of my previous posts).<br />
<br />
While I'm crying on the inside, I'm going to make sure to stay strong on the outside for her and do my best to be there for her (along with my family) all along the way. I feel better than I have in a long time at this moment and plan to use my newfound strength to help my sister and to continue to try and enjoy my life. Florida may get delayed and even shortened this year depending on circumstances but I'm not thinking about that now. My dream would be to be able to take her down with me for some sun therapy but that's a ways off right now.<br />
<br />
Any good vibes and prayers would be welcome for my family. They've been working for Rich as he's seemingly been doing better and my Mom is on her last chemo regimen of Herceptin for only a couple more months I think.<br />
<br />
This will be another major test as if we really needed another one...<br />
<br />
Thanks for reading,<br />
<br />
ChrisChrishttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00680217140379356951noreply@blogger.com4