Blowing off some steam

Well, I started this blog to document my experiences trying to survive cancer.  I don't think there's a whole lot I haven't talked about on here except for my personal life for obvious reasons.

There's so much that goes into living with this disease, knowing that being refractory, I will always have to wonder (no matter how hard I try not to) when it's going to decide to get agressive again.  As I mentioned before, it's a full time job trying to keep it out of my mind while managing the pain and deficits it's left me with which I won't fully go into as that is not my intent for this post.

One thing I never ever thought I would have to worry about is unconditional support from certain people like close friends and family.  While most of my close friends and family have been there for me through thick and thin, one person who I never thought would turn their back on me has done just that, my own father.  It's not just recently but pretty much the entire time I've been going through this.  I remember when I first was diagnosed and started chemo him and his wife (who is just as bad and even worse) went on vacation for a month in Mexico and never bothered to make a single phone call to see how I was doing or even an email.  His excuse was it was too expensive to call (as if they couldn't afford a $5.00 phone call).  Little did I know that would only be the beginning of a series of insensitive remarks like "can't you ever joke around" or "boy,  you've really changed since you got cancer"...  It's always seemed to be about him.  I talked to a therapist and she told me people like that suffer from narcissistic personality disorder (not being able to understand what a person is going through and taking things personally if say I'm grumpy or not in a jovial mood).

There were many more shocking incidents but none as bad as what happened as he was driving me down for a chemotherapy infusion 4-5 years ago.  I wasn't feeling all that great and said something that obviously hit a nerve with him and the next thing I know he was pulling over on the freeway, just north of the Mack exit on I75, in the dead of winter Dec 31st, in a not so great part of Detroit. He told me to get out of the car!  Needless to say, I was in shock and pretty pissed.  That's the first time in my life I ever put up my fists and felt like cracking him one.  I'm happy to say I refrained from that, demanded he drive me to the hospital so I could get my treatment and when he dropped me off, used what little strength I had in my legs (I had guillaine barre syndrome at the time) to kick his car and slam the door, I was livid and in shock, not sure who wouldn't be after something like that.  He then went on to change the story saying he pulled over because I raised my fists, almost as shocking as the incident itself, throwing me under the bus for his despicable act...

This was almost 5 years ago.  If you've kept up with my blog, you'd know that I've dealt with so so much since then and never once did I receive a direct apology for what he did nor did I ever once receive a message, call, text or even a message passed along to ask how I was doing, not once.  I don't know if there are any father's or mothers reading this but could you imagine your son or daughter going through what I've gone through and not ever bothering to see how they were doing?  I don't get it and have been holding this in the entire time hoping that maybe he'd get it and be the bigger person and more importantly, a father.

I probably wouldn't be writing this still if it weren't for the way that he treats my mother.  It was obviously bad when they were married (I'll spare going into the details of that because it's not my intention to delve into that period as bad as it was).  However, when you continue to bully my mother, the woman who has taken care of my sister her entire life, the woman who nurtured her after she survived brain cancer, then chronic epilepsy, then her stroke and subsequent paralysis....  All the while barely if ever offering any kind of help financially (he left that to my now deceased step father). He put his hatred for my mother in front of ever checking on Nicole as my mom was the only conduit to finding out what really was going on with Nicole besides me before we became estranged.

Even with all that said, with him speaking to my mother like she is a piece of crap I still probably wouldn't be writing this blog if it weren't for this straw that broke the camels back if you will.  Just recently after having to defend my mother once again after he went off on her because he demanded that Nicole's music therapy teacher sign a calendar proving she was there because he pays a measly $100 a month splitting the cost of the music therapist, a woman who is probably the best thing that's happened to Nicole since she's been in her now permanent disabled state, a woman who stays longer than she's supposed to, buys things for Nicole out of her own pocket...  He demands she signs a calendar to prove she was there, pretty petty if you ask me, as if my mom is going to steal from my sister, forget the fact that she's paid for 90% of Nicole's essentials, I could go on and on about his utter neglect now and previously...  What he told me though when I defended my mom for the umpteenth time would be the reason for me revealing all of this.

He had the audacity of blaming me for what happened to Nicole.  Told me it was my fault because I "talked her into the surgery".  Even writing this, I'm still shocked.  If it was true, I probably wouldn't be writing this obviously as I would've wrote about this long ago (feeling guilty that I was the reason nicole is now paralyzed and unable to speak).  If he had tried to develop any kind of relationship with my mom, he would've known that nicole had debilitating epilepsy where she was having grand mal seizures multiple times per week and sometimes daily.  I introduced her to a neurologist who happens to be the wife of my oncologist and that is the extent of my involvement in her deciding to have the surgery.  I wasn't even there when they decided to go forward with it but found out after the fact the doctor gave her an 85% chance at success so naturally we were all excited.  The entire reason nicole is in the state she's in now is because they found active cancer cells in the scar tissue that they were removing, deadly agressive cancer cells that needed to be removed and in doing so, the doctor "scraped" too much and caused her blood vessels to rupture and thus causing the stroke. 

Imagine seeing something like that happen to your brother or sister, I can't think of anything more tragic and every time I think about her, it makes me want to ball my eyes out, indescribable pain and someone is going to tell me it was my fault?  This is supposed to be my father?  Forget about his utter apathy as to what I deal with and have been dealing with for 7 years (which he told me recently that he's heard nobody believes?!)  I'm sorry, when you mess with the two people that I care about more than anything in this world, I'm gonna call you out on that.  I gave him a chance to take it back and apologize and it never happened.  I have no choice but to release this stuff that I've been holding in for a long time now as it's been eating me up...

I know in my heart (as well as people who know the truth) that I never once tried to talk Nicole into anything.  I think his crazy wife is putting some crazy ideas in his head, I have no idea but that is pretty messed up if you ask me.  I don't care about the way he treats me or lack of any outward concern but if you're going to accuse me of almost killing my sister, I'm going to stand up for myself, that's about as low as you can get.

I'm sorry for this negative post at a time when I'm finally getting some relief from this new medicine from my cancer symptoms but couldn't let this fester in my head any longer. 

I look forward to updating when I have my first post Nivolumab scan and hopefully reporting some good news!  As far as my father is concerned, maybe after (or if) he reads this, maybe he'll realize that you don't treat people like that, let alone your own kids and the woman who's been taking care of your kids while you've been sitting on the sidelines the entire time.  I'm embarrassed and ashamed but haven't given up hope that one day he'll get it.

Until then, it's back to enjoying life in the moment and being thankful to all the people who care about me and have stuck with me during my darkest days.  You know who you are and I truly appreciate you all.

Sincerely,

Chris