Back in business...

Well, it's been a while but I finally have the energy to update, sorry for such a long delay. I've been having a difficult time lately and blogging hasn't been really high on my list as I've kinda been in survival mode...

Being sick for so long I think took a toll on me not only physically but mentally as well. After speaking to my therapist last week, it makes sense. She said that when your body goes through trauma (i.e. being sick) the amount of serotonin one's body produces goes way down and sometimes stops being produced altogether. Combine this with some mental trauma and it makes it really tough to do anything. I've been pretty stressed about my disease returning after developing a "pleural rub" in my lungs every time I breathe. I've had this before and it was happening while they were trying to get my disease to go away before I had my stem cell transplant. I had a CT scan last week to find out if it's the disease growing or possibly another infection in my lungs. The only way to describe the sensation is to imagine the inside of your lungs as cellophane, not the stuff you wrap your leftovers with but the kind that would be wrapping a new CD. It feels like the cellophane crackling with every breath, not exactly the most comforting sensation... Sometimes it's barely noticeable, like when I'm sitting upright. Other times it's really noticeable, like when I'm sitting in an uncomfortable seat or chair where I'm hunched. I've gotten used to it though and somehow more able to block it out of my mind for the most part but that normally doesn't last very long... Ever think of how many breaths you take in one day?! Anyway, you get my point.

So, going back to all of the physical and mental trauma and lack of serotonin production... I had to do something and thankfully they have medicine for that kind of thing in the form of anti depressants (for me it's Remeron). I guess I was pretty depressed. Normally, I'd be embarrassed to admit to something like that and broadcast it across the blogosphere for the world to read. As the meds are starting to work and I'm feeling better mentally I thought to myself why in the world would I be embarrassed and not want to talk about it? I think society generally misunderstands depression and unfortunately sometimes makes it taboo. To me, this seems kind of silly as it's a medical condition that in most cases you can't control. For anyone who reads this and has difficulty getting motivated to do even simple things like getting out of bed, please go see a doctor and get professional help. I've only been taking the meds for less than a week and I already feel so much better mentally... This is actually the second time I've had to get on Remeron. The first was when I first relapsed and almost lost it. Now that I think about it, I don't think I could've gone through what I went through without the meds. It's funny for me to go back and read some of the horrific crap I had to go through and somehow be able to stay positive and have a good outlook. I think I'm generally a positive person with a healthy outlook on life but cancer has a way of swiping these things from you and sometimes you need a little help getting them back...

Anyway, now that I've spilled that, I have to express some regret for letting it go for so long... In doing so, I put aside a lot of things that are going on outside my world and neglected to keep up with things or people including my fellow Hodgkins survivors. One of them who I can also call my friend, Tim Strohmeyer, shockingly passed away two days ago. It wasn't long ago that I was writing about Tim and how he was going to Seattle to try another chance at a cure. This would come in the form of an allogenic stem cell transplant where you get someone else's stem cells in the hope that they'd recognize the cancer (because your own killer T-cells don't for some reason) and kill it off. If I would have started this medicine sooner, I would have read Tim's Caring Bridge site (which I have a link on the blogs I follow) and found out he was having some major complications with an adeno virus and GVHD that would eventually take his life. I'm bummed because I didn't have a chance to send support or even exchange a message with him. His wife Kylie was updating for him when it got bad but I'm sure she read all of the letters of support to him and there was nothing from me... So, it's something I have to deal with but moving forward, if you feel like sending a positive message to Tim's family via his Caring Bridge site, please do so. He was a great guy and will truly be missed...


Tim and his wife Kylie

Again, to anyone who reads this and is struggling with Hodgkins, another cancer or some other type of chronic illness, I understand and sympathize with what you're going through. To those that don't or refuse to try and understand, I hope that one day you will, life is so short...

All the best,

Chris