It's late... 12:40 a.m. to be exact and I can't sleep as usual. Now that my head has sort of cleared from my first infusion of the ICE I thought I'd try and make some sense of all of this.
The time at the hospital was mainly a blur. Jackie was there pretty much throughout which was very comforting. I mostly laid in my bed half in a state of shock still... Can't believe how much of the crappy dry bland hospital food I ate! Even Jackie was amazed. I Thought I was getting a deal or something, "order whatever you want, whenenver you wan't it they said". I was ordering deserts, extra drinks, gravy, sides, you name it...
Now, the thought of that food makes me almost wretch. I'm having a hard time drinking enough water and gatorade to make sure I keep the blood out of my urine from the Ifosfomaide chemo. I must say I did somewhat gourge tonight from a listen in on a conversation at the SCCA where a fellow survivor was raving about the king crab legs from a place called Roserios. They (him and his wife) were talking with their doctor previously about some Velcade treatments so I think he was a fellow Lymhphoma survivor. Anyway, Jackie and I went up to the Safeway and sure enough, king crab legs were on special and I bought 4 legs, brought em back, steamed em up and semi wolfed them down. It was the first time something actually tasted decent since they let me out of the hopsital on Saturday night.
It's only been two day but seems a lot longer. I had a really bad puke session on Sunday while trying to eat a delicious Jackie breakfast. It was my own fault as I took too big of a gulp of cranberry juice after trying some of her scrumptious scrablled eggs. This was actually the first time I puked since starting chemo some 7-8 months ago.
The hardest thing I'm dealing with right now is my detachment from the outside world. I don't know if it's the circustances I'm dealing with, the chemo or the medication they have me on. I have a feeling it's a combination of all 3 and I want to figure out how I can minimize this. Surely the chemo will where off in the next few days right? This still leaves me with the reality of my situation and how I'm gonna deal with it. Should I (like I already have) continue to cut down the meds and see what happens? Probably a good idea to talk to someone about this...
I wanted to mention an inspirational conversation I had with my buddy Lee today. Lee's dealing with a nasty Glioblastoma brain tumor that won't seem to go away. In fact, after his most recent MRI, his onc. said he'd only give him 6 months to live unless he tried this experimentat drug call Avistant which could indefinately prolong his life. The way he descrbed it to me was so calming and reasurring that it made me feel stronger to continue what I've already started in my treatment.
Cancer patients (or those facing life threaghtening illnesses) are the toughest, baddest, kindest, most understanding people on the planet. It is from these people where you can find out what life is all about...
Maybe I can get some sleep now and start fresh tomorrow. Hopefully these posts will be better as I get the hang of this!
Cheers, Chris
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