(And not what kind of tree this is... Seattle has some weird looking trees!)
So I met with the trial coordinator at Karmanos today and everything went ok. I have a PET scan scheduled for June 25th to confirm what the docs think at the SCCA (recurrence). The only loose end right now is if I should pursue the trial here which doses every 21 days. There's another trial of SGN-35 where they're dosing on a weekly basis which is supposedly showing better results but the closest center that has it is in St. Louis (to Michigan). So, I'll probably end up staying here and see what happens.
This is still so very surreal... Naturally, I'm having a difficult time accepting all of this and I think my mood the last week reflects it. It's just hard to be enthusiastic about anything right now. I know this will pass because I've always been a positive person but this is really tough...
I'm reading a book by Thich Nhat Hanh right now called "no death, no fear" and it's helping. I think times like this (as well as life in general) a Buddhist perspective is really helpful. The trick is to live in the moment and realize every day that we're alive or "manifested" (Hanh's description of life) is a blessing. I think I get most bummed out when I think of the future and the major obstacles that I will be facing (once again). Hanh really stresses the "impermanence" of everything and how nothing really dies but just "re-manifests" itself. This is a pretty weak summary but you can get the gist of it ;)
No matter what, I'm just going to continue to try and live my life to the fullest and try not to feel sorry for myself. I know this won't do me any good... I feel that I've been able to achieve so much in my life and everything else from here on out is "gravy"! I just need to do my best to remember that "gravy" comes in so many different flavors... :)
(Jackie doesn't like me posting pic's of her on here but thought this was a nice one in front of her place on my last visit and thought she wouldn't mind ;)
2 comments:
Hang in there babe, these next steps before you figure everything out will be the most difficult part.
Thinking of you, mom, and the rest of your family, every single day.
<3
B
Not that i'm a tree expert or anything, but I think the tree you're pondering is a 'monkey puzzle' tree (very scientifc!) but we have one like that near our house! Hope that helps you sleep easier :-P
It's no wonder you're having difficulty coming to terms with all of this - everyone would be exactly the same.......just hoping that they come up with regime which not only works but allows you to maintain a 'normal' life around about it.
Here's to lots and lots of scrummy flavoured gravy........thinking of you...........Vx
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