Scan Complete, Need Distractions...

Well, I thought I might refrain from posting until I get the results of my scan back but I've decided I need an outlet (or 20) to mitigate my anxiety. Yeah, I have medication for that but right now it doesn't seem to be enough...

Like I mentioned, I had my CT scan today and it was pretty normal except my doc had ordered an extra scan of my brain. I understand why he wanted this as the last CT showed some abnormal asymmetric uptake on one side of my brain as well as uptake in my occipital (sp?) nerve. I'm not really concerned the cancer is in my brain as multiple people have told me that if it was in my melon I'd definitely "know it". My biggest concern right now is the pain I have after a beer or drink. It's not quite like the radiating shooting pain I used to get after a few sips where I'd literally be doubled over... Now, the pain is more like a muscle ache that contorts as I flex my back. The scary part is that it's in the same spot where I've always had the pain, on the right side of the middle of my back. It's also different now in that the pain lasts much longer than it used to, like a couple of hours. Not to mention, the pain doesn't come on after only a couple of sips like it used to... I had a Margarita at dinner tonight and the pain didn't come on until I was done with my drink.

Another weird thing is that when I put my head down (i.e. taking my chin and lowering it to my chest) I get a numbing sensation that goes down my back into my legs. This just started happening the last couple of weeks. There's some craziness going on inside this body!

This stuff will drive you crazy... I thought I had the strength to deal with any scenario (results of my scan) but the truth is I don't know if I do right now. No matter how much you try and prepare yourself for the worst, I know that I'd be totally devastated with a dirty scan, just being honest. If the cancer is back, my only option is to pursue clinical trials to try and prolong my life hopefully until a cure may be available. I don't want to go through an Allo transplant where the mortality rate doubles the cure rate...

I guess the trip I took had some unintended consequences... I had a wonderful opportunity to feel "alive" again! That small taste I think has made me greedy... I want more!! That's not to say I still can't live a great life on clinical trials, it's just hard to imagine again dealing with all of the side effects of the drugs (and disease) as well as knowing there's something growing inside my body that one day will kill me if the drugs stop working.

I don't mean to be a downer with this post... I just want to be honest about what's going on inside my head right now as it's cathartic to "let it out". On a positive note, the itch/rash that I've had the last few weeks seems to have gone away for the most part. It used to be under my forearms, under and on the sides of my knees as well as my calves. I bought and used some Lamisil on these spots and it's now moved to the inside of my thighs which leads me to believe it's some sort of fungus. Not to mention, besides still feeling fatigued by the middle of the day, I feel pretty good overall! I have most of my strength back and haven't lost any more weight (actually put a couple of pounds on).

So I think I've accomplished what I was looking to accomplish when I started this post, I feel better! It's amazing what a relief it is to get your feelings out... Now I understand why women live longer than men! :-D I actually just got done watching "Frost Nixon" and may have subconsciously been moved to post tonight after seeing how Frost persuaded Nixon to confess his mistakes (re: Watergate). He persuaded Nixon to confess so he wouldn't have to carry the burden any longer. Pretty decent movie but I digress... ;)

Like I've said before, I've gotten by through expecting the worst and hoping for the best (that obviously hasn't changed ;) Thanks for reading this and thanks in advance for the good vibes/prayers.