2:22 a.m.
Being deprived of sleep... I can understand why this is one of the more effective interrogation methods. Combine this with constant physical discomfort or pain and you can pretty much get people to dish... Case in point, me constantly spilling my thoughts out into the blogosphere, ha!
I feel sometimes like I'm losing my grip on this reality. I was just sitting here thinking how long it's been since I've felt like "myself" and wondering if I'll ever truly be at peace with all of this...
I also realized how irritable I've been (for me at least) for the last x number of months. There are so many things that I used to just blow off... It seems like work now to do this and it seems like I'm always compelled to speak my mind or prove a point that I would previously (before dx) just let go. It's a burden and I need to figure out a way to squash this. Books haven't helped (only temporarily) and I don't feel like adding any more medications to my already overly toxified body. Case in point, I probably shouldve taken a sleep med tnight but was afraid to do so after I've been having to take more pain meds as usual due to the fibromyalgia and neuropathy that has peaked the last couple of days. All I can think about is I don't want to end up like Heath Ledger or Michael Jackson although I'm sure I have a long way to go for this to happen.
Anyway, when I say it's a challenge to manage a situation like the one I'm in it's about as big as an understatement as
one can make! Thus, my renewed quest to keep my life as simple as possible... Is this possible? I guess time will tell. I go back and read my previous posts and it seems like when I'm sleeping ok and relatively pain free I'm more at ease which I guess is easy to figure out. I look back with amazement how simple my life was when I didn't have the burden of this disease haunting me, crazy. I had no idea how good I had it! Perhaps there will be a day where I look back on days like today and think the same thing and that scares me... Did I mention how messed up cancer is?!
So I'm going to post this now (without proofing) and sure I'll regret it tomorrow.
Maybe with this off my chest I can get some rest...
2 comments:
you know I cant imagine walking in your shoes but I know how you feel about not feeling like your self any more and wanting it to change. Acceptance of this situation is a difficult thing to do so try not to be hard on yourself it may never come but at elast your thinking about it.
that is the important thing. no regrets ever we only live once so do what feels good to you at the time....always thinking of you!!!!!!
Let it out! Get mad, be sad, be whatever you feel. I hope the pain gets better. No more pain! I don't like to hear that you are hurting. But i think it is good that you expressing yourself. <3 you Chris.
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